JOKES

Page 2

God Will Save Me

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rainfall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

Blackmail

Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

Family Tree   

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Visiting The Mall

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his Father what this was and the father (never having seen an elevator) replied, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an oversized older lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and an extremely attractive 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Knock at the door...

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Dog is Dead

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body, and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks to the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

Fight Like A MAN!

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

The Good Ol’ Mid-West Naming

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in a coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Two Irishmen

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" 

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. 

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." 
"Of Course," replies the second man. 

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" 
"Dublin," comes the reply. 
"I can't believe it," says the first man. 
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. 

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: 
"What school did you go to?" 
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. 
"I graduated in '62." 

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. 
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. 
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. 
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Dollar Bills

There were two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo, and baseball games."

"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."

"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.

"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."

The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"

Two Old Guys

Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age.

How do you feel?"

The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."

"Really," says the first guy.

"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."

Only in America

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Give Me A Coke!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

A lawyer with a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

 Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
 
 He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
 
 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
 
 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
 
 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
 
 'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
 
 Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
 
 The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
 
 'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
 
 They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
 
 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
 
 The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
 
 'You'll really love my place.
 
 'The grass is almost a foot high' 

Just Roommates!

Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer.

One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye.

Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates.

A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem.

"Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle.

Do you think she took it?"

Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway."

Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:

Dearest Mother,
I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle.

Love always,

Mike

Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:

Dearest Michael,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.

Love,
Mother

Moral of the story: Don't lie to your mother!